I have always dreamed of being a woman of substance, a woman in control, a woman with power. Damn.
But am just a kid.
I’ve never been good at handling anxieties. And I think this one is the greatest so far..
Am starting to work tomorrow. I haven’t signed the contract yet because I am still having second thoughts. It’s not the company, it’s my interest.
I don’t think I can really handle a career in IT. I mean, yea sure everyone’s saying am good at it. Am almost laude, as a matter of fact. If not for those science subjects, I could have graduated with honors. I’ve done pretty well in school, especially in my major subjects.
But.. I don’t know.
Am still half-hearted about it. Agh.
The thing is, I finished Computer Science because I have no other choice. It’s a long story. But I enjoyed it, the things we do in CS. But I never had the initiative to study technology by myself. Is that a bad thing? I mean, am not the typical CS geek! Am not even techie enough. Agh.
Awkee. It’s the plump juicy self-esteem again. The thing of the matter is, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I mean, hell yea I can choose to excel here but I just can’t do it only because nanghihinayang ako with my degree. Agh.
Oh no I can’t do it. The first thing I considered in choosing this company was its bootcamp. I mean, training is always a good start. Agh because training was postponed to undefined date yet because they are still waiting to fill in all the slots. They are still waiting for other people to confirm. The matter of the thing is, I’m not prepared. Oh c’mon, you can call me chicken now. *Parang hindi UP graduate, Louis said earlier*
And yes, I HATE wearing slacks.. very uncomfortable. I mean, how do they manage to work wearing those pairs of uncomfortable thingy? I HATE it as in hate hate raised to the googool number. I remember my interviewer said that they are not actually “formal” in the office when I mentioned that I hate wearing formal clothes. And I remember I was like dancing and singing inside my head like “Yey I can wear skinny jeans!”. But no, t’was a bad joke. If only they’d allow me to wear skinny jeans, I’d promise to them I’ll never wear sneakers and shirts. Promise.
Really, I hate slacks for the nth time. Makes me feel uncomfortable. And I can’t work when I’m self-concious and uncomfortable. Kill me. Please.
Anyhoo, am quoting my friend Coy:
You can have a day job AND do what you want. Just think of it as a way of making things that you want reachable,through money of course.
And of course, Louis:
You can do it. I believe in you.
Anyhoo, it’s not that I CAN’T do it. Of course I can. What am thinking is, “Will I be happier? Spending 9hrs of my life everyday inside a cubicle, in front of a fucking monitor?”.
And yeah, two years bond. Phew.
Agh. This is not what I wanted.
I need more light.
From Gary:
Take the job. It’s normal to be uncertain at first. Remember the chocolate princess. Be brave.
You are not a kid. You are an intelligent and capable young woman about to start her career.
Just don’t mess it up.. (*this one written in big bold letters, lol*)
@Ade: such question is hard to answer. hmm what exactly I want to do? i want to write, publish a book or two and stuff like that. and do films.
Posted by caiabbass at May 5, 2008, 1:53 amTry it for a week.
Bottom line:
if you are hesitant don’t do it.
that’s it .
P.S
i know you are absolutely in control. *wink
Making the right decision eh ?
I believe people talk about things like buying a house, having kids, picking a school, or getting married as the biggest decisions of their life. *naks!
I think that is partly true, but on the other hand, I think the biggest decisions we make, the ones that effect us the most deeply are probably ones that we make without even knowing that we are making a decision.Some of time we probably never even know the cause and effect on our small daily decisions.
How many times did you pick the beef instead of chicken thus saving yourself from salmonella? Lol! :-p
You’ll go crazy if you think about it too much. So take it easy care on you always have a choice try it first if all goes well then good otherwise you can always say “NO” after a week or something like that.blah -blah -blah
that summarizes it cheer up life goes on .
Hehe whoa i can relate :p
When I had my ojt last year, that’s when i realized that i don’t really want to be a computer programmer. pero ngayon gusto ko i-refresh ulit haha
And yeah, i wanna do films. I wanna see your portfolio sis!
Posted by Mica at May 5, 2008, 1:03 pm@yourlover: Wow, this is the first time that you actually made sense. thanks!
@Finch: I will agree with you on that small-things-can-affect-our-lives-directly-and-indirectly thing. Sure. Anyhoo, i just can’t go try it for a week and just say No-i-don’t-want-this-anymore-i-want-to-go-home kind of fuckincrybaby shit because I have a two-year bond with the company.
@Mica: hay sis, tara let’s do films together hehe =) i’ll let you watch my movies, only if i could find the copies.. tsktsk.
Posted by Cai at May 5, 2008, 1:35 pm@cai: that is because i want you to be in control :-p
Posted by yourlover at May 5, 2008, 1:58 pm@cai:
“small-things-can-affect-our-lives-directly-and-indirectly”
– chaos theory
Lam mo, ikaw lang ang makakapagdecide talaga. Kanina hindi ko ren alam mga irereply ko sayo.. haha. Pero yun nga, much better kung itry mo for a couple of days, kasi baka “beginner’s anxiety” lang yan. Once na sumabak ka na sa real and challenging projects, mas mafifeel mo ang value ng iyong career. Tapos ask ka ng advice sa mga tao-tao. Just like these very sensible comments. And please do pray always. Wag ka panghinaan ng loob kapag nasa mga situations ka tulad ng ganito.
@Louis kaya kita mahal eh, hahaha 
dami ah
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. — James Baldwin
Go for the path that you think will make you happy in the next 5 years and more. At this point, you can only assume. Give it a shot. If it didn’t work out, at least you know it didn’t. Wala ka ng “what ifs”. The worst thing that could happen to a person is to live his/her life full of “what ifs”. Try things out with a bubbly perspective. At this point you shouldn’t really be that concerned in finding your niche. Have fun. Try out different things. Even the stuff that you thought you’d never do six months ago. Believe in yourself Cai. Do things you think you cannot do. The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams.
Worst thing you could do is end the game when you even haven’t started. Give it a try, then when you start really feeling uncomfortable, avoid it like a plague…2 months will do..
My 2 cents worth..
Posted by Sigmund Freud at May 6, 2008, 3:45 pmhaving passed through the same situation….I say you try this 2 year thing. It might seem too long for now, but believe me, it’s not. It’s not hell anyway, your work-to-be is course-related, the training thing is good, the company enviro you’ll be working in is way better than most (in the general sense), the pay is good, and most of all, the experience. Two years from now you can look back and say, I know better now from experience, and now I know what I want (or don’t want). Then you can move on and take your crossroad.
ey, link kita from my 2 blogs: travel-tayo.blogspot.com & somethingsweetandmore.wordpress.com =)
Posted by travel-tayo.blogspot.com at May 6, 2008, 11:59 pmWhy don’t you try, after two years, to enter the academe? I remember you said before that you wanted to teach. What happened?
Posted by Gian Paolo at May 7, 2008, 1:15 amThis maybe a bit too late now. Youy might have started already, signed the contract and decided to advance into something you’re not even sure you can finish. But I really hope it’s not yet late. 2 years bond is a long commitment. your first job is crucial and as much as possible don’t accept such a long commitment for it. It’s normal not to know right away what we want and it’s normal to have doubts of the first job available at hand. What’s not normal is for a company hand a freshman a 2 year bond contract. So if it’s not yet too late don’t sign the contract, at your present state of mind you might not be able to finish it or if ever you will, you will be exhausted at a very early stage. sign it if, at least, you can see even just a glimpse of fullfilment in it.
Posted by jaynchin at May 7, 2008, 8:45 amHey! Nice to see you again last night. Anyway I decided to jump right in and offer my unsolicited advice hehe…
Happiness is overrated, it relies to much on happenings. What you want in the end is joy, something that transcends the daily ups and downs we experience. And I have good news for you, it has nothing to do with your job and everything to do with you.
It’s not whether you “lose” the next 2 years in that job but how you use that next 2 years to make yourself grow because really, you only lose that if you don’t grow–don’t learn anything new.
So don’t worry, if it turns out that its a dead-end, mind numbing maybe even brain cells depleting excuse for work, just suck it up and get somebody to buy out your contract hehe… :p
Will be praying for you. God bless!
kayang-kaya mo yan repapips! ang trabaho ay sumasaya basta’t kalmado ka… pag nakakainis na, oras nang gumamit ng aura power…
Ack! 2-year bond? Run away! 
Just try to relax and have fun.
Sports: Michael Jordan Quote
Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation.
Leadership: Michael Jordan Quote
I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot… and missed. And I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why… I succeed.
Achievements: Michael Jordan Quote
I realized that if I was going to achieve anything in life I had to be aggressive. I had to get out there and go for it… I know fear is an obstacle for some people, but it’s an illusion to me.
Overcoming Failure: Michael Jordan Quote
If it turns out that my best wasn’t good enough, at least I won’t look back and say that I was afraid to try; failure makes me work even harder.
Overcoming Failure: Michael Jordan Quote
I’ve failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
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“Will I be happier? Spending 9hrs of my life everyday inside a cubicle, in front of a fucking monitor?”
Well, of course only you can answer that.
And what exactly do you want to do anyway?:)
Posted by Ade at May 5, 2008, 1:48 am