I have always dreamed of being a woman of substance, a woman in control, a woman with power. Damn.
But am just a kid.
I’ve never been good at handling anxieties. And I think this one is the greatest so far..
Am starting to work tomorrow. I haven’t signed the contract yet because I am still having second thoughts. It’s not the company, it’s my interest.
I don’t think I can really handle a career in IT. I mean, yea sure everyone’s saying am good at it. Am almost laude, as a matter of fact. If not for those science subjects, I could have graduated with honors. I’ve done pretty well in school, especially in my major subjects.
But.. I don’t know.
Am still half-hearted about it. Agh.
The thing is, I finished Computer Science because I have no other choice. It’s a long story. But I enjoyed it, the things we do in CS. But I never had the initiative to study technology by myself. Is that a bad thing? I mean, am not the typical CS geek! Am not even techie enough. Agh.
Awkee. It’s the plump juicy self-esteem again. The thing of the matter is, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I mean, hell yea I can choose to excel here but I just can’t do it only because nanghihinayang ako with my degree. Agh.
Oh no I can’t do it. The first thing I considered in choosing this company was its bootcamp. I mean, training is always a good start. Agh because training was postponed to undefined date yet because they are still waiting to fill in all the slots. They are still waiting for other people to confirm. The matter of the thing is, I’m not prepared. Oh c’mon, you can call me chicken now. *Parang hindi UP graduate, Louis said earlier*
And yes, I HATE wearing slacks.. very uncomfortable. I mean, how do they manage to work wearing those pairs of uncomfortable thingy? I HATE it as in hate hate raised to the googool number. I remember my interviewer said that they are not actually “formal” in the office when I mentioned that I hate wearing formal clothes. And I remember I was like dancing and singing inside my head like “Yey I can wear skinny jeans!”. But no, t’was a bad joke. If only they’d allow me to wear skinny jeans, I’d promise to them I’ll never wear sneakers and shirts. Promise.
Really, I hate slacks for the nth time. Makes me feel uncomfortable. And I can’t work when I’m self-concious and uncomfortable. Kill me. Please.
Anyhoo, am quoting my friend Coy:
You can have a day job AND do what you want. Just think of it as a way of making things that you want reachable,through money of course.
And of course, Louis:
You can do it. I believe in you.
Anyhoo, it’s not that I CAN’T do it. Of course I can. What am thinking is, “Will I be happier? Spending 9hrs of my life everyday inside a cubicle, in front of a fucking monitor?”.
And yeah, two years bond. Phew.
Agh. This is not what I wanted.
I need more light.
From Gary:
Take the job. It’s normal to be uncertain at first. Remember the chocolate princess. Be brave.
You are not a kid. You are an intelligent and capable young woman about to start her career.
Just don’t mess it up.. (*this one written in big bold letters, lol*)
